It's Just a Matter of Time

I’m supposed to be doing homework. But instead I sit here, listening to the kind of music that makes my heart soar and watching you out of the corner of my eye. I suppose I don’t have to be subtle about looking right now, not really. You’re so engrossed in your own homework that you probably won’t even notice. 

And you’re sitting there with your laptop on your knees, shirtless, with hair brushed back but still messy, like always. Your fingers are moving just as quickly as mine. But you are typing an assignment about the Dependency Theory for a sociology class, and I am typing to whoever may read this about the keeper of my heart and song of my soul for a blog. Bit of a difference there.

I love these kinds of songs. They are the ones that make me want to go lie in the middle of a field and just stare up at the sky and dream. It’s been a while since I let myself go looking for new music like that, because we’re trying to save money for the move. But I couldn’t help it today and bought a few new songs that I’d only just discovered and a few that I’ve known and loved for a while but never owned. And now my heart has wings. I feel like I’m listening to a soundtrack for my own life. And it is beautiful. 

They all want me to explain what makes us work, how we go together. 

And I don’t have to explain a single thing. I don’t. And I know that. So I usually refuse. But if I were to explain us, explain this, then I do know what I would say. 

I would say that we work in that our minds seem to run on the same frequency. We come from entirely different backgrounds, have very few similar experiences, and the difference in our ages doesn’t help matters there. But we share most of our interests, we have the same sense of humor, and often are thinking along the same lines enough to say the same exact thing at the same exact time or even to finish one another’s sentences. 

I would say that the football games and the dances and the social events that we choose not to attend are not losses for either of us because both of us prefer the company of ourselves and a chosen few. 

I would say that watching movies on the couch or in bed, sitting in bed with our legs tangled up and reading together, lounging in the warm spring sun and reading with a plate of cookies and two drinks between us, that is what makes us “work”. 

I would say that nothing has ever filled my heart with as much joy as everyday errands and chores that you choose to accompany me on and help me with, though I have never seen my father do the same for my Mom, except on special occasions. 

I would say that our trips to the grocery store and your assistance with cleaning the house, and our agreement that my duty is to do the dishes, while yours is to do the laundry, let us go together. 

I would say that I have never been so content in my life as I am late at night when we lie there in total darkness, with your arm around my shoulders and my head on your chest, talking for hours into the early morning even when I have work the next day. 

I would say that I never knew the freedom and shamelessness of healthy living and eating until I encountered your giant bowls of cereal or enormous scoops of ice cream, or your tendency towards always making enough food to feed a small army. 

I would say that in spite of the ways that I have been required to change my lifestyle to accommodate your needs as a veteran, I have gained so much more than I have lost. I do not feel limited by any of it, only enlightened. 

I would say that I have never learned so much from a single person, nor hoped so badly that all of their dreams would come true. For you I would drop everything: my dreams, my family, my very foundation of life, just to ensure that you got a shot at your own. 

I would say that if you had told me two years ago that this would be my life in college, I would have laughed nervously and disbelievingly, content with my boyfriend and my plans for my own future at the time. But looking back now I am so glad that I am here instead of where I’d planned to be. 

I would say that you have taken me on adventure after adventure, but with you I always feel safe. You are passionate and you are angry and you are beyond emotional at times in spite of your desperate attempts not to be, but never once have I felt in danger because of that. 

Most of all, I would say this:

You are, without a doubt, the greatest adventure that I have ever been on, and perhaps one of the most influential people I will encounter in this life. You are my comforter when I am hurt and sad, you are my foundation when I need an opinion or an attempt at something backed will full support, and you are the biggest enabler in my life, allowing me to try so many new things and go so many new places and follow my dreams. 

But above all, regardless of whatever else you are to me or I am to you, or what I will ever be to you, or you to me, you are my friend. You have been there for me and allowed me to be there for you and we have been through experiences and adventures and escapades that I will never forget. And for that I will be forever grateful. And I will consider this forever worth it. You are too precious for me to ever think for an instant that letting you leave on your own way is the right thing to do. 

I will remember you and appreciate you and I will love you. Always. 

I am sitting here, cozy in pajamas and wrapped in a blanket. 

It’s the ridiculously soft one you bought me a while ago. 

You are focused solely on your work, and I am focused solely on you. 

Usually the stress doesn’t get to you like this. But tonight you look just as haggard as you are anxious. 

I know that midterm didn’t go as planned. I know you’re still raging on the inside even though you stopped ranting about it hours ago. I know the confusing and questionless words on the test didn’t make sense and you’re furious at everything for it. 

But it’ll be okay. 

You hate when I say that if you’re upset. You told me that forever ago and I have never forgotten. When you’re upset you need time to be just that. You don’t need to be placated, and I know that now. 

So I sit quietly, listen to what you have to say, agree with the points that I understand, find ways to restate and reafirm what you’ve told me - both to make you feel accepted and right and because I actually do agree with you - until you look like you might feel just a little bit better. 

It’s not much, but it’s all I can do. I always remind you gently that if there is any way for me to help relieve some of the stress, all you have to do is let me know. 

I don’t know if you realize that I would rather die than see you fail. I will stand with you through hell if that is what fate has in store for you, but I will never give up on you or your abilities. I have heard you talk about what you would do and how you would change the world given the chance. And I cannot wait to see that come to be a reality. I would die before seeing your massive dreams and your revolutionary ideas forgotten or discarded. 

I love you. 

I don’t know that you know that either. 

I don’t dare say it, because your experience with them ruined the word for you. Sure, you’ll still say it. But only after months, years even, of cautionary preparation. 

We are so different in that way. I am so willing to fall in love with every aspect of my life and everything around me every chance that I get and you are so unwilling to love or open up, lest it come back and hurt you later. 

I don’t care about being hurt. Granted, you’ve had a lot more experience with that particular subject than I have, but still. I am prone to erring on the side of caution when it comes to physical safety, but emotionally and spiritually throwing myself all in as soon as I decide I want to. You are the opposite; reckless with yourself in the physical sense, while employing the utmost caution and wariness when it comes to emotional matters. 

And that is part of why we are so beautiful. So much of us is so drastically different. Our childhoods, our chosen lifestyle, our relationship experience, our outlook on other people, our feelings about love. 

But so much of us is also the same. I cannot count the times that we have said the exact same thing at the exact same time, or finished each others’ sentences. And when we talk about wanting to help people, wanting to change the world, that is when we really connect. 

I know I’m rambling. But I love you so much. I do. And I am so excited that I will get to follow you for at least part of your adventure. Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity. I will cherish every moment. 

I already do.